Monday survival guide

One of my favorite thing these fast few months has surprisingly been Monday nights. Monday should be my least favorite day of the week; it starts with an alarm ringing at 6am, followed by a battle between the angel on one shoulder telling me to get my ass to the gym, and the devil on my other shoulder who reminds me that I’m probably just going to eat too many chips tonight anyway, so why even both trying.

10 Reasons Why Mondays Are The Absolute Worst

After this, I always end up drinking way too much shitty office coffee before 10am, which is of course results in a stomach ache. But then I remember that Monday nights means getting together with a group of my favorite girlfriends and watching The Bachelorette. Now before you get all judgmental and throwing around the word “basic,” keep in mind that I fully accept that adjective when describing myself. I am relatively new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette phenomenon, but now that Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton have ended their marriage, as well as Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, we need something else to believe in. Why not pick a show with a 0.3% success rate?? Because we are optimists, dammit. I have come to love the two hours I get to spend binge eating snacks, chugging wine, and playing Bachelorette Bingo each week while watching a such a good trainwreck go down, especially when I am surrounded by the absolute funniest women commenting on it.

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Each week, we pick someone’s apartment to host, and show up shortly before 8pm, armed with food and/or booze. We aren’t picky, just hungry, plus the best part of these nights is the company. We all have relatively busy lives, and after a weekend of activities, Monday night is the perfect time for the nine of us to debrief. Oh, our resident ice queen SM stayed out with a man until 5am? DETAILS, girl. Spit out every dirty piece of information. Okayyy, I just found out that I once dropped off a guy at a fake office because he lied to me for 2 months about his actual job? OBVIOUSLY I’m going to not shut up about this (blog post coming) during every commercial break.

And there are just so many reasons why The Bachelorette makes for great entertainment. First of all, it’s kind of nice to feel a little superior. Sure, we’ve all done some crazy shit (I am currently setting alarms to remind myself to look at a certainsomeone’s snapchat stories 1 minute before they expire so he cannot see I’m the least bit interested in his life), but at least none of us have used the phrase “Villians gotta vill” in a serious conversation. I can also confidently say I have not ever had a man tell me, “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” Who I am. Who you is, Ian, is a man with two balding spots and an impressive amount of self-delusion. The Bachelorette also provides a nice outlet to escape into a world where love seems to simple. Oh, you can find your soulmate in 12 weeks, after traveling to a few countries together and an uber-cheesy, overnight trip to the fantasy suite? Welllll then, there’s hope for all of us, phew. Also, The Bachelorette just gives us the chance to talk some SERIOUS shit for a few hours. I would like to think that, in general, we are a group of relatively nice, thoughtful people, who try to do the right now. BUT come on, for these episodes, we are not going to hold back. Plus, if you’re agreeing to go on national television, maybe don’t show up wearing a wrist full of wooden bracelets and what I assume is the constant creepy smile of a sociopath. Yeah, looking at you, Nick V. And by the end of the season, we all are obviously rooting for one specific guy, which you know, really makes us feel like we are bonding. Granted, I have kept mascara around longer than Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship but whatever, I am still rooting for them to make it.

For The Bachelorette finale last week, we decided to get together at SM and N’s apartment. After meeting AC post-gym and updating her on the blonde hottie I met at my friend’s pool over the weekend, I realized I literally only had 20 minutes to shower, wash my hair, and get a snack ready for the big night. Thankfully, I had a bag of popcorn kernels in the pantry, so I decided to make some Old Bay popcorn, which is a great recipe to have around in a pinch:

Ingredients:

  • Between 2/3 and 3/4 a cup of popcorn kernels
  • 1 tablespoon of olive oil
  • 3-4 tablespoons of butter
  • Old Bay to taste
  • Garlic salt to taste

Instructions:

  • Throw olive oil into a big pot and turn the stove on medium heat.
  • Toss three kernels into the pot and cover.
  • Wait until three kernels pop.
  • Throw the rest of the kernels in (I used about 2/3 of a cup) and cover the pot.
  • Occasionally shake the pot.
  • Wait for the popcorn to pop.
  • Melt butter in the microwave. I like to use 3 tablespoons to start, but if you are worried about osteoporosis and would like to have as much dairy in your diet as possible, feel free to throw in a few extra tablespoons.
  • Pour butter over popcorn and toss the popcorn in the butter.
  • Sprinkle generously with old bay.
  • Sprinkle slightly less generously with garlic salt.
  • Taste and adjust.
  • Serve immediately.

This was all done within 10 minutes and we headed over. SM provided a generous amount of cheese, in addition to several dips and we all dug in as we caught up on our real love lives and ABC’s fake love lives. We judged and we judged hard while using this as an excuse to fill our stomachs up with wine, and by the time the night was done, it was great to realize there were only four more days to the work week. Monday, conquered.

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